And when you find others who respect you
And each other
You can build a better foundation
Together
Everybody wants to do many of the things some of us do on a 24/7 basis
Some want to have productive relationships
Some want to be poly
But many find it to be more of a dream than a possibility
But it is work
And the pay off for being productive is worth the effort
Because it's all about what works well for you
But many find it harder to try than to do
And even harder to keep doing it
And doing it better in time
Every relationship is unique
Each person has needs and desires to support what they respect
And for me and mines?
We respect the ability to provide each other with positive support through the D/s lifestyle
And it has been helpful to all of us in one way or the other
We support each other mentally, physically and spiritually
And that is a rare combination to find and work with
So I guess it is what you make it
Every day you work at being more to each other
And it is a day to day struggle to stay respectful of each other's devotion to the whole
(here's a interesting post)
http://www.polygrrl.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Jealousy, Envy, Compersion, A Mish Mash of Thought.
Jealousy, envy and compersion…
It is generally agreed that jealousy happens, much like shit hitting the fan. There are times you can see it coming and maybe you can get out of the way. Sometimes, sometimes is flys out of no where.
I think a long time ago I felt a lot of what I thought of as jealousy. I see now that it was envy that I was feeling most of the time. I’m no saint, I’ve been jealous before.
But I learned though that there is a huge difference between jealousy and envy.
Jealousy is something that has the potential to destroy. It’s when someone wants what someone else has. They covet that possession to a degree that emotionally sets it apart from envy. Perhaps they will stop at nothing to have it or they will create problems for the one in possession.
Envy is a little different. It’s wanting what someone else has, but not feeling it to the degree that they’d act upon it. They want something like it, but not the exact thing that another person has. It can burn just like jealousy, but it doesn’t eat away at the person. It just sits and eventually cools.
Well, such things are easy to understand when say, you like your friends girlfriend. You can see the obvious boundary. He doesn’t share. She’s not yours, etc.
In poly though, um, you are sharing. You have access to your friend’s girlfriend. That girlfriend is your girlfriend, too.
In the latter case, jealousy and envy can seem closely knitted together. I would say though that the gut of both still hasn’t changed. Jealousy can move one to destroy a relationship. Envy is just wanting what someone else has without the emotional pressure to do something about it other than to look for your own piece of that universal joy.
But you know how does that work when two people have the same piece of pie? Can you have the same relationship with someone that someone else has with that same someone? Hmmm, that’s a little confusing. ( At least to me and I’m writing this shit.) So let me create some peoples.
Blam!!!!!!
Albert, Becky and Carl are a threesome. Albert and Becky met first; they are married. Carl comes along and joins the family. ( For reals, not that fake “sure you’re apart of the family” that some people dole out.) They all live together.
Carl loves Becky a great deal. Sometimes he wishes he were the one married to her. He thinks it might be nice to have that with her, but he won’t push it because he walked into the relationship fully understanding that Becky leaving Albert was the ultimate limit to what the three could have. Yet, Carl still dreams of it...
I’d call that envy.
Now for jealousy. ( This should be fun!!!)
Albert likes Carl. Carl’s a bit younger, maybe a little more fit. Big Al’s not packing the muscle like Carl is. Maybe Albert thinks Carl is funnier, smarter, maybe Carl makes more money than Albert. Who knows? Jealousy is weird. It picks anything to freak over and sometimes it freaks over the silliest of things. Maybe Albert is intimated because Carl is blonde…
Anyway, Albert hates to leave Carl alone with Becky. He promises them time, but he always comes home early or has to break the date. He’s constantly manipulating the situation and using his power to get what he wants.
Becky is upset but she doesn’t know what to do. She just wants to have some quality time with Carl, that’s all. She loves Albert and she would never leave him. She’d like to love Carl the same way, but Albert won’t seem to let it.
Carl is at a loss. He cares for both Albert and Becky. He wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize their marriage, but then he wants to have some time with Becky. Albert is married to Becky, she sleeps in his bed every night, they have had 10 years together, what more does he want?
Albert has let his insecurities take over and he’s not playing nice. He’s tossing his weight around and holding Becky and Carl emotionally hostage. Neither Becky nor Carl want to upset Albert to the point he wants to back out on this, but they want to be happy, too.
Okay so this isn’t Danielle Steel material, but you know a lot of poly jealousy is like this. It’s very covert at times. In this scenario Albert is creating animosity and manipulating the situation. He is constantly forcing Becky to choose him over Carl. He is making both of them feel his “primary power”. In the end, this is going to build resentment. It’s going to harm the relationships, all of them, A to B, B to C, A to C.
And it’s going to prevent compersion.
Ah, compersion. That’s such a soft fluffy word.
If Albert and Carl hit it off, if the two of them give each other respect and space and the most precious of all things, time with their lovers they will build compersion. They will be happy to see the other happy with Becky. They won’t feel cheated of anything so they won’t mind seeing the other one cuddled up on the couch watching TV.
I mean, in the icky situation do you see Carl smiling happily while Albert cuddles up to Becky? He didn’t get his night with her. He hasn’t had any quality time. I doubt he will smile a wit that isn’t filled with “Albert you suck.”
Yeah, I made Albert the bad guy. This blog is for secondaries after all.. We can all go find a page written form the primary view that is full of fears of what Carl may do. I say fuck Albert he’s an ass. J
But you get what I’m touching on right?
Maybe not because I haven’t really made a point yet. Let’s see if I can sum it up.
Jealousy and envy are different.
Jealousy bad.
Envy good. ( Well, okay.)
If you allow jealousy to run you, you can destroy your relationships.
Actively acting on jealousy hampers compersion.
Compersion is the goal for happy poly.
If you don’t confront jealousy it will make things hard. Face it, communicate it, deal with it, move on.
Oh, if it were only that easy.
Oh shit!!! I forgot, Can you have the same relationship??? Can Albert have the same thing with Becky that Carl has and vice versa?
Hell no. Each combination has its own dynamic and personality. Each person brings their own experience, creativity, joy, and baggage to their relationships. I’ve got leopard print luggage. You have a mish mash of JC Penny discards. We carry our sets on the flight and we have our own unique parade of wheeled luggage. Albert has moss green luggage that looks like birds shit on it. Not the same, totally not the same.
And you should be proud of it, proud of what you can offer not upset about what you can’t.
Gosh, maybe I should think about outlines.
...
http://en.allexperts.com/q/BDSM-2733/Entering-poly-relationship.htm
Topic: BDSM
Expert: awhitecloud
Date: 10/3/2007
Subject: Entering a poly relationship
Question
What can i expect from a poly D/s relationship if i am the third? i am new to the lifestyle and have been reaserching about it, but i can't find any websites that caters to Poly D/s relationships. Could you please help me?
0){w('Get the answer below
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here are some links that might help!
http://community.livejournal.com/polybdsm
http://www.polygrrl.blogspot.com/ this site is all about Poly and being a secondary
http://www.polyamoryonline.org/interviews/poly_interview_101805.html
http://www.wintersinn.com/thoughts.htm
http://www.dmoz.org/Society/Relationships/Alternative_Lifestyles/Polyamory/Perso...
http://boston.polyamory.org/polycol/polycol-10.html
http://www.steel-door.com/polygamy.htm This is a nice overview
I do not think that being third can be that much different then being the second or the fourth or so one. The only major differences I have found is at the top and the alpha and everyone needing to work together.
I have been in a few poly relationships it is a lot of work for all concerned, you most be able to give and take. Have you seen the show Big Love on HBO? Well it has some good concepts on poly I do not think it fits over all into what things really are like but it does touch on some good things. You can learn more about the show on www.hbo.com and go to big love.
The biggest thing I have found is that you need to have communication and not to hold things inside of you that you may be feeling. You need to be able to deal with the feelings and to talk about them openly and to work through them.
I hope that this has helped you some and if you have more questions please contact me I will do my best to help you.
Thank you
awhitecloud
...
Family
A basic foundation of support for each other as a family
Lifestyle Friends
Imperfect human beings who found some comfort in the living together in some manner together in the D/s lifestyle 24/7
That's what we do
And as the top of the food chain in this D/s relationship
I am proud to say that we have been more blessed together
As we live and learn each other more
We grow
And that is what many of you fail to find
Because you seek a unfair reality as to what this lifestyle is about in general
D/s in some ways is like adult parenthood
Some ways it's like a group or gang
Family in kink
A crew
And I can honestly say that the road has not been easy
But it has it's rewards
Because the other moments we spend away from the Dungeons
The moments we live vanilla lives apart in some manner
We still support each other as grown adults of like minds
And many come and go in our lives and lifestyles
But our foundation is built on a lifetime commitment to respect each other as individuals
And then as friends
And then as family in a Poly D/s lifestyle
And there is room for growth
Together
And we all support anyone who respects what we do together
In our own style
In our own lives
Together
And even though I am the top of the food chain in this relationship
I am only as good as we all are to each other
And as long as we can support each other
As long as we provide positive energy to each of us as a family
Nothing is impossible together
And it takes more time than a few meet and greets
It takes more time than a few sessions
It takes more time than a few ups and downs
It takes time to learn each other more
It is what it is for us
Poly D/s
Pimpstyle
*wicked grin*
Not that any of you need to understand what we do or not
But we know that the most important objective
Is to be productively supportive to each other as a D/s Poly Family
All we ask is that you understand that we respect this lifestyle
That we do
And if you are about being more in these lifestyles than without them?
Then maybe we are at least on the same page
Maybe we can learn from each other as a BDSM lifestyle community
And maybe not
But for us
D/s
S&M
Open Sexual expression
SSC
Is what we respect
Together
And for that we have been blessed
To have these lifestyles as a basic format
As to how to add more style to our lives
And respect each other
And the Pimpstyle House as a whole
And today I just want to thank everyone who has been productive
To us
To our way of life
To our lifestyle as adult POCs in a SSC manner
So for me
AMP Sir Ez
Loki
Mlfu
Mlfd
And all that my fall under consideration in the days to come
We wish you all a better chance in finding what works for you
And youres
At least in these sexual lifestyles
respect
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