You have to know how to relate before a relationship

Respecting the Horse before the cart?

As a child around 9 or 10
My Father took me to a drum circle with my drum
And I watched as the Drum Master lead the circle
And I wanted to learn from that Master how to better play my drum
But as the end of the day of playing drums came
The Drum Leader was ready to go home
Tired

And I never got a chance to ask him
But I asked others as I grew up playing My drum
And they told me
If you want to be a drummer?
Buy a drum and play it
The more you play, the more you become a drummer

And I did

And 35 years later
I moved back to DC
And I went back to that same park
And saw that same Drum Master
And I brought my drum
And I sat in with the other drummers
And played My drum with them

And I would show up every Sunday early just so I could catch him and ask him my request of him
And I would end up being one of the first drummers there
And while we waited others would try to play their drums
And I would try to at least show them how to stay on beat
And how to listen to others
And learn how to play well with them

And one day I watched him arrive at the park early enough to watch me play with these others who were just as eager as I was to learn from that Master

And he looked at me and smiled in a way that scared me to ask him anything while I was playing in that circle

And after a few years I finally got a chance to ask the Drum Master if he would teach me how to better play My drum on the last day of drum circle season

And he said to me
"I will teach you when we come back for the first day of the new season of the drum circle"
And he smiled at me with that same smile again!

And when winter broke and we had our first good weather day on Sunday enough for us all to start playing at the park again
I eagerly took my drum to the park to play

And I got a phone call from one of the other drummers on my way there

And he said to me
"Hey Ez, if your on your way to the park?"
"You are in charge while we play the funeral of our Drum Master!"

And I was in shock

Because that was who I was running to the park to learn from

And now I was on My way to that park with My drum
Being told that I had to lead the drum circle until the others showed up from the funeral of Our Drum Master of over 40 years

And I arrived at the park normally early
And the other newer drummers and children were there waiting
And I showed up and we played

And I have been that image of a Master Drummer every Sunday
And I am learning how to play MY DRUM better

Without My Master

"Or have I"

*wink*

I digress...


So many people in these so called ADULT lifestyle communities tend to think that you can put
"the Horse before the Cart"
By try'n to perfect a position or title without first understanding that these lifestyles require that you first understand and respect your own personal RELATIONSHIP Skills first

No matter how Dominant or submissive you want to be
If you suck at forming and keeping a productive relationship in your life

Then YOU are the weakest link!

"I was told a while back that if I was to learn more about being a better Dominant?
I should find a mentor that is in a productive lifestyle relationship
And learn from them and their relationship
And the same went for friends of mine who wanted to be sub missive"

I have since learned how rare that truly is to find

And now I question anyone who teaches anyone something that they are not doing themselves in real time productively

Thus
I have learned more about relationships and personality dysfunctions
And how they are more important than much of the training many claim they need or have as a Dominant or sub missive

So let's first talk about relationships
And how they differ in these adult lifestyles

" Interpersonal relationships"

In the contexts of sociology and of popular culture, the concept of interpersonal relationships involves social associations, connections, or affiliations between two or more people. Such persons may interact overtly, covertly, face-to-face; or may remain effectively unknown to each other (as in a virtual community whose members maintain anonymity and do not socialize outside of a chat-room).
"Meaning?"

Too many people talk the talk
But they walk around acting like we should trust them with our own lives and lifestyles just because they claim to be something you wish to become

"But actions and reality speaks louder than words"

And most people are best at online relationships than they are at living the reality of a productive relationship in real time
Or they are just fantasizing about being something they have not become as of yet
If ever

Analysts of interpersonal relationships (namely, any functioning humans) may view a relationship as focused (such as the sales-oriented relationship between a sales assistant and a customer) or as unfocused (as between passengers on a bus). People traveling to a football-match share a relationship — whether they support the same team or opposing teams. The significance of the relationship may not become apparent until they cheer or boo. In each case culture will tend to define the forms of both accepted and unacceptable interactions.

Interpersonal relationships vary in their degree of self-disclosure, feedback, power and respect — to name but a few aspects. They vary in the extent to which culture and language define or construct them. They vary in the degree to which people can question, challenge or change relationships of relevance to themselves; and that degree of changeability itself can demonstrate power-differentials in a variety of interpersonal relationships and settings.

Relationships vary in the degree to which both intimacy and sharing occur — implying the discovery or establishment of common ground over time. They may or may not center around things shared in common.

So what are you missing in this definition?

Interpersonal relationships as a category may have escaped public attention until the late 20th century:

The term "relationship", as applied to personal life, came into general use only twenty or thirty years ago, as did the idea that there is a need for "intimacy" or "commitment" in personal life."

If valid, this view raises questions as to what has changed — and how — to bring about the result where interpersonal relationships receive so much attention — both in academia and in popular lore.

Teens and parents go through a stage where relationships are lost or broken up by the changes kids go through as they mature into adults.

Over 90% of all failed relationships result from a lack of honest communication and awareness

So how can anyone teach the masses about something they have not yet mastered themselves?

Intimate relationships?

An intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship. It is a relationship in which the participants know or trust one another very well or are confidants of one another, or a relationship in which there is physical or emotional intimacy.

Physical intimacy is characterized by romantic or passionate love and attachment, or sexual activity.

Love is an important factor in physical and emotional intimate relationships. Though the term is notoriously difficult to define, any thoughtful inquiry into the subject will show it to be qualitatively, not only quantitatively, different than liking, and the difference is not merely in the presence or absence of sexual attraction. According to one analysis, love in relationships is divided into two types: passionate and companionate. Passionate love is intense longing, and is often accompanied by physiological arousal (shortness of breath, rapid heart rate). Companionate love is affection and a feeling of intimacy and is not necessarily accompanied by physiological arousal.

People that are in an intimate relationship with one another are often called a couple, especially if the members of that couple have ascribed some degree of permanency to their relationship. Such couples often provide the emotional security that is necessary for them to accomplish other tasks, particularly forms of labor/work. A popular American phrase states: "Couples that work together, lurk together."

Meaning?

If you lack the skills to become at least a productive couple?
Then nothing more will prosper
(ie: Poly, Swingers, or lifestyle couples)

A free union is a union between two persons that lacks any publicly recognized bond (either civil or religious).

The phrase "free union" is misleading, and the Catechism of the Catholic Church raises the question of what "union" can mean in the phrase "free union". The expression "free union" includes situations such as concubinage, rejection of marriage as such, or inability to make long-term commitments. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, being in a "free union" is a grave offense against the dignity of marriage.

So, for many people who claim they seek a lifestyle relationship
They don't have to get married to have one
They don't have to be that committed to each other
But they do have to have a common bond of respect and faith in what they seek together
And in this case it is these adult sexual lifestyles

*blank stare*

And no matter how much you think you can learn about these lifestyles
No matter how much training you get

If you can not relate enough with whom you claim you seek enough to provide a better foundation of a relationship together?

Your just acting like you are what you are not ready to become to whomever may seek your services


And I am not judging any of you
But I do know that few of you are in any kind of fruitful relationships with anyone
Not even yourselves
*snicker*

So much of what many are reading from others who claim they are mentoring as to how to become a better "whatever"

Are just as blind being led by others who are blind as to how to first form a productive union with anyone

And I wonder how can someone with deep seated issues with the other sex, can actually claim they are ready to offer themselves up to someone who is of the other sex?

If you don't trust Men or Women in general?
How can you act as if you are ready to trust them enough to form a relationship worth anything more than a play session and a booty call?

"Aint that like putting the horse before the cart?"

(real talk here)

So while some may see this post as a insult or bullshit?
At least a few of us do know how to at least keep a relationship with someone for a better amount of time than what others have had and lost, only to now feel the need to teach others how to do the same

*blank stare*

So let me offer you a article that I read by someone that had a better outlook than what I have read from a few others who claim they are about teaching a better view of what this lifestyle is really about

http://www.humbledfemales.com/femininemystique.html


Shared Wisdom On Femininity
& Submission

By Master Obsidian's slave, namaste

Read more of namaste's writings here:
http://his-namaste.livejournal.com

I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.

— Anais Nin

Modern women have fought for and won what women prior to the 1950's never had before. The female presence is seen in the boardroom, in the military, in institutions of higher learning. We get equal pay, equal political rights and control over reproduction...so why are so many of us more stressed and less fulfilled than ever before?

I submit to you dear readers, that perhaps in the process of fighting for what we did not have, we have abandoned and lost what we had. We have lost the feminine mystique. In my desire to embrace the feminine mystique I sought to recall a knowledge, a secret if you will, that seemed to be lost. When I have looked at relationships that last and are truly happy, when I have met women who have that "inner glow" and seem to revel in being women, when I read The Christian Bible, The Jewish TaNaKh, the Muslim Quran, the Tao or The Kama Sutra, I have come away with certain truths that resonate for me, certain things that, though not popular, seemed to work. It is in my embracing of these truths and actually living them I have found that centeredness which seems so elusive to modern women. Today I'd like to share some truths that have been very beneficial to me and I believe had made me MORE of a woman and more in tune with my femininity.

Women do not need to compete with Men, to Be as Men are.

It is within the scope of our differences that we are made one. It is through the Union of our two equal but opposite energies that Wholeness is created. A unit composed of only one energy type will eventually destroy itself. However in the wholeness that comes from having BOTH types of energy you can find your sense of self expressed and understood most poignantly. I am not a man. I've no desire to be a man, to look like or conduct myself as a man. Furthermore, I have no need to compete with any man...more or less with my Master. To compete suggests wanting to occupy the Space He occupies, if I'm in the Space that is His, where will He be? And who will be in the space I have abandoned?

His strength requires my gentleness and softness.

Often as women we desire for Men to be strong, however we might want to consider that the strength of a Man will require the gentle softness of a woman. I have noticed I feel most loved and cherished by Master when I am soft and gentle. This is not to say it is always easy. At times my initial inclination was to respond to hurt or fear by becoming cold and distant. Master would not allow me to do this. He worked with me by not allowing my defenses. I found myself responding to Him in softness, and I found Him handling me differently. His strength REQUIRES me to be soft. I can not respond differently and expect a good outcome. If I respond to His strength with hardness like stones, we cut against each other and eventually one of us will break. Because I am the weaker, it will be me.

His Leadership requires my yielding.

I have always wanted a Man who would lead. Most women I know say they want this as well. However, the truth is often that we want a man who will lead the way we would lead. In reality, if I want Him to lead I need to be willing to follow, to yield. It seems an interesting phenomenon that women want a Leader and yet will become angry if a man does not do their bidding, and then if He DOES, most women will hold the man in contempt for doing so.

I read a quote some years ago by Marlene Dietrich which speaks to this: "To be completely woman you need a Master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it's no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long."

When I yield to Master's leading by being encouraging and supportive I am laying the foundation for us to have a healthy and long lasting relationship. I am opening myself and providing fertile ground for intimacy and bonding, rather than being a chore and sufferance. Yeilding brings a state of being that provides for my contentment as well. A contented woman is more attractive and lovely to her Master, and has a greater sense of self.

His desire and passion requires my reckless abandon.

This is a difficult one. Most women are raised and taught that to be a lady and a woman of worth means displaying very little sexual desire. When we enter into a relationship we then maintain this view and snuff out our Master's desire. This applies to women out of the scene and often to women who embrace submission as well. Giving ourselves over to the storms of passion our Master's ignite within us, without concern for propriety or demeanor can be a scary prospect. However, if I want Master to display and unleash passion on me, I must overcome these old tapes and give myself over to the fires He fuels. Rather than perfectly coifed and demure, when I am in His bed He desires to see my hair mussed by passion, lips bruised from kissing, my cheeks streaked with tears from crying. He'd rather hear my voice husky and broken rather than cool and controlled. Restraint in the bedroom is not a virtue.

His Dominance requires my submission.

If I would have Him be Dominant I must submit. This is the total crux of the matter in living a life of submission. To prefer His will over my own. To relinquish my way for His. This is the price of fulfillment. That I would embrace His masculinity, His strength His power and meet it with my submission, my weakness and vulnerability. That I would feel my femaleness to my core without the brittle mantle of control so many of my sisters seem to need to carry. We are told that fulfillment is found in control. What if it isn't? What if the road to peace and joy in our relationships is not pulling, but yielding? No leading but following? Not standing but submitting?

Now I am not here to be anyone's role model

You can live as you see fit
But I could care less about anyone one of you who claim you are a part of a lifestyle that I too respect a bit more than I am respected by anyone I am not fucking or fucking with

So take this anyway you want

*wicked grin*

But I personally think that too many of you online lifestyle people debate more with each other than you show anyone why they should be a part of whatever YOU call a community in these lifestyles for so called POCs

And it shows

lol






Without self-knowledge, we cannot go beyond the mind.
—J. Krishnamurti

I like my friends like good tissue. Soft to the touch, but strong enough to deal with some real shit!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheKinkYHoTBoX/

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respect